Bittersweet Memories

Today would have been my dad's 54th birthday. Unfortunately, he passed away on June 14th, 2005. I think of my dad often, especially on days like today. I miss him so much more than I ever imagined was possible. I miss the way we used to discuss religion and politics until the wee hours of the morning, or how we listened to music together and talked about the lyrics. We also shared a love for reading, suspense movies, and most importantly, God. (Oh, how I wish I could have shared more of this part of my life with my father. But, it was not to be. In many ways my journey of faith echoed that of St. Augustine, who cried out in lament: "How late have I loved thee, oh God.")

My dad and I didn't always agree. In fact, we rarely saw eye to eye on many things. We were both very opinioned. In the earlier years of my life, this inherited trait kept me in a lot of trouble. Those years were not the easiest by any means. We had a lot of problems in our home. My parents argued a lot and my dad battled alcoholism. (He was sober for many years and then he relapsed and my parents divorced...) But, as I became an adult, we did grow closer. For that I am very thankful.

When someone dies, I think it is easy to put them on a pedestal and forget about their flaws. I don't want to do that. My dad wasn't perfect. No one is. Ultimately, it took cancer to bring him to his knees in repentance. In one day, after hearing the words, "You have cancer," my dad was able to do what he had declared for years was impossible. He gave up smoking and drinking cold turkey, and never looked back. (This from a man who drank from the time he got out of bed in the morning, until he went to bed at night). Its amazing what we can do when we have no choice. In my father's hospital room, a few days before he passed away, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I am so sorry. I know I did this to myself." What an awful realization!

Today has been hard. I talked to my associate pastor this morning and he invited me to a LOGOS dinner that the kids have on Wednesday nights and offered me some quiet time in the prayer room at our church. (It is a very peacefully little room that looks like a miniature sanctuary, complete with mini pews and an altar). I thanked him for the invitation, but I didn't go. Instead, I opted to have dinner with my mom and my grandmother. One thing I have learned from my father's passing is that, as much as your family members can get on your nerves or drive you crazy, time stands still for no one. Life is short. We must make the most of it. Of all the mistakes I have made in life, one that stands out among the ones for which I am most regretful, is the time, a couple of years prior to my fathers passing, that we did not speak for several months. I can't even remember why I was angry with him. But, I do know that in the end I would have given anything to have those few months back.

I bought my dad a birthday card today. I don't know why. My mother asked me what I was going to do with it. I said, "I don't know." I suppose a part of me just can't accept the fact that I can never give my dad another Christmas card or birthday card again. When I was in New York City over the holidays I saw many cards stuck in the fence at ground zero. I guess those people are a lot like me, and find it hard to accept the fact that their loved ones are gone.

Despite my grief,I know we will see each other again. I take comfort in this:

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 ESV

And this:

When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

"Death is swallowed up in victory."

1 Corinthians 15:54 ESV

I love you Dad. Happy Birthday!